Fanmail Hour!
by Edo-chanluv
Summary: I haven't been updating recently, and I feel awful about it. So, for fun, I got some of the characters together to do a fanmail reading.
1. Chapter 1

"Hi everyone!" Samantha said into the microphone. "Edo-chanluv felt _awful_ for not updating recently, so she thought she'd do something fun." She motioned to a giant pile of envelopes behind her in the tiny blue room. The screen off to her side lit up with big, blocky letters as she cheered, "_FANMAIL TIME!"_

"So… why hasn't Edo-chan updated?" Edward asked. He sat lazily off to the side, leaning against a wall.

"Weeell, her brother recently came home. And since the computer room is his room… She hasn't been able to access her files."

"And she can't access them now because…?"

"Because it's not the right computer."

"Or she's just really lazy."

"Yeah. There's that. Can you believe she hasn't updated in _two weeks_?"

_HEY, HEY, HEY! _ The speakers above them blared with a tiny female voice. _This is NOT 'insult the narrator hour'! Get down to business you lazy bums!_

"Well. She's one to talk," Ed murmured.

"No kidding," Sam sighed and shook her blonde head.

_Watch it…_ Edo-chan warned.

"Alright, alright," Samantha put her hands up. "Time for the first letter!" She raced over to the pile. "Oh! This one's blue!" She picked it up. "Ed, do you want to open it? Or should I?"

"Go ahead. I don't even know why I'm here."

The displeased narrator growled.

"Calm down, Edo. We're getting to it." Sam hurriedly opened the letter. "Okay, so." She cleared her throat.

"_Dear Edo-chan,"_ She stopped. "Let's just skip this one." Sam tossed it over her shoulder without another glance.

_Finish it! It might be an important question!_

"Meh." Sam picked it up again. "_Dear Edo-chan, why is it that your story has recently changed it's rating to M? Signed, Cimmanin."_

_Good question!_

Edward rolled his eyes.

_Watch it, smarty-pants. _The narrator growled. _You see, I've been thinking about adding a chapter with… well… most of the fanfiction world knows them as 'lemons'. If you don't know what this means, I suggest you find out._

"Let me see that letter," Ed said. Sam handed it to him.

"Sam… this says 'Cinnamon'."

"That's what I said. Cimmanin."

"…No. _Cinnamon._"

"_I said Cimannin!_"

_Stop it you two! Don't make me come out of this booth!_

"Like you would." Ed scoffed.

_LOOK YOU JERK! I MADE YOU AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT!_

"You didn't make me, you moron! Hiromu Arakawa _made_ me. You're just doing a cheap fanfiction about me. There _is a difference."_

Sam put on a broad smile. "Thank you ladies and gentlemen that is all for today's segment. If you have any questions or would like to send mail to one of your favorite characters, me included, please do so in a PM to Edo-chanluv. Thank you and goodnight!"

The room faded to black. But in the darkness, Edward's voice rang out.

"Hey wait. Doesn't 'lemon' mean sex?"

The lights flashed back on, and Ed and Sam stared at each other.

"Of course she doesn't mean us," Samantha waved it off.

"R-right. Of course not."

_Of course not…_ If they had been in the booth with Edo-chanluv, they would have seen her smile.


	2. Chapter 2

"What is wrong with milk, exactly? You never gave me a direct answer," Sam asked Ed.

"It's disgusting! How's that for an answer?" Ed retorted. He had a stool now, at his own raving request.

"Yeah, but still. If you added chocolate flavoring to it-"

_Alright guys! Quiet on the set! _Edo-chanluv's voice erupted from the speakers. _Show starting in…_

Sam hurriedly tossed the microphone to Ed. "You do the intro this time!"

_3…_

"What? No! I don't wanna-"

_2…_

"Just do it! At least until we get a second microphone."

_1… ACTION!_

"Yeah, we only have the one because the director's too cheap a bastard to buy a second-"

"Ed… We're on."

"On?" His eyes widened. "Oh! Sh- I mean, welcome to… uh… What the hell's this show called again?"

"_Fanmail Hour_," Sam hissed. "Jeebus, you suck at this job."

"Oh shut up, it's not like I asked _you_ anyway."

"Yeah well-"

_STOP FIGHTING AND DO THE DAMN SHOW._

Ed and Sam flinched. "Yes ma'am!" They said.

Colleen rushed onto the set with an extra microphone. "Here!" She said.

"Thank you." Sam said with a smile. Colleen bowed and rushed back off the set. Sam switched the microphone on. "Alright! Now that we have that all taken care of, Ed can do a _real_ introduction." She leaned over and whispered harshly, "Put a smile on, moron."

Ed rolled his eyes and plastered a grin to his face. "Hello people out there in T.V. land! Welcome to -ugh- _Fanmail Hour!_ So, here's how this works-"

"You send our dearest Edo-chanluv a PM or a review with a comment or question you want to have a character answer to!" Sam finished. Ed mumbled something about a being a camera hog.

Sam ignored him and went on, "So, today we have a letter in the form of a review from a very nice reader." She picked up an envelope and handed it to Ed. "It's for _you!_"

"Oh. Lovely." He made a face and opened it. "Let's see…

_Dear Ed,_

_Hey, shorty, you're so cute when you rant about being short... you're like 3yrs older than me and I'm at least a half foot taller..._

_From fangirl to midget,  
RandomEdFangirl"_

Ed stopped reading. The set was very quiet for a minute.

"Well. She thinks I'm cute."

Sam stared at him with wide, shocked eyes. "That's _it?_"

"Eh?" Ed looked at her like she was crazy.

_No short rant?_ Edo-chan chimed in.

"Uh… no?"

"_But you always to a short rant!_" Edo-chan and Sam shouted at the same time. Ed nearly fell off his stool with the force of their in-unison shout.

_The short rant is your entire character!_

"And besides that, she's right! It's _adorable!_"

"Look," Ed put his hands up, "I used to get all mad and stuff when people called me short. I'd do a 'short-rant'," He used his fingers to do an air quote. "But I got over that."

"H-how?" Sam asked.

"Well, one day, I realized that tall people are just retarded."

A stunned silence from the studio audience, Sam, and Edo-chanluv in her booth; no one knew what to say to that.

"So, _RandomEdFangirl,_" Ed continued, "You might be a half a foot taller than me, but that doesn't matter to me at all, because you're retarded."

There was a strange sound over the intercom as Edo-chan smacked her hand into her forehead. _Ed… Why? _She whined, _Why do you insult the people who are nice enough to give good reviews?_

"Hey, what they do with your story is of no consequence to me."

"Jeebus…" Sam sighed, "Well ladies and gentlemen, that's all for today! Until next time! Please stay tuned!"


	3. Chapter 3

_Alright, is everyone in their places?_ Edo-chanluv asked over the intercom.

"Okay, we're good to go!" Sam gave the camera a thumbs up. The set had been changed around a bit. Purple chairs had been set in a half-circle, and in them sat Sam, Edward, Alphonse, Carrie, and Colleen. Next to Samantha sat a small end table, on which was placed a small pile of letters. Each character had their own microphone.

_Okay. In Three.... Two.... One.... We're live!_

_"_Hi everyone!" Collen cheered. She and Carrie shared a high-five.

Ed sighed. "Let's just get this over with."

"Oh come on, Brother. I think this is kind of fun." Al smiled sweetly and waved at the cameras. "Hello there!" He said.

"_Awww..._" Colleen fawned.

"Alright everyone, please settle down," Sam said. Ed gave her a funny look.

"Why the hell are you using a British accent?"

"Because I said so, you pompous fool!"

"Indeed! Pip pip Cheerios! Trix, Lucky Charms, and all that!" Colleen said. She pulled a monocle out of her pocket.

Alphonse laughed softly and took it from her.

"Where'd you get a monocle from?" Carrie asked in a whisper.

"I... found it."

"You mean you stole it?"

"He gave it to me!"

Al frowned, "Who's he?"

Colleen jumped, "N-no one dear!"

"_Shut it!_" Ed shouted. "Let's just read the stupid letters and get this over with!"

"Whoa," Sam said, dropping the accent, "Who pissed in _your_ cereal?"

Ed tapped his fingers impatiently on his chair. "I read one of the letters."

"Neh?" She picked one up and read it out loud.

"Dear Ed &--, no wait, Al and Ed (Al deserves some spotlight too!)

What do you think of the difference between the manga and the anime? which is

your preference? (I like the manga better) Also Ed... I HEARD THAT YOU LIKE STRAWBERRY AND COFFEE FLAVORED MILK!

HHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! ... ok, rant over.

Oh, hey, is Dorchet there? Tell him he's on my bishie list. same with Al, and

Hughes, and Ling Yao (WOT!!), and Scar.

sorry, Ed. but you're on my friend's bishie list,

Also... you're 15, right? well, I'm 13 and you're only a centimeter taller

than me. AND I'm short for my age. AND I'm a girl. so I have an excuse. Do you

have an excuse?? WAHAHHAHA!

-realizes the danger she's in and runs off screaming-

Signed, Arden Anam."

Everyone was silent for a moment. After a moment, Edward said,

"What the _hell_ is a bishie?"

"It's a fangirl thing." Colleen explained.

"Isn't... Dorchet dea-" Everyone simultaneously covered Carrie's mouth.

_CARRIE. Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER, tell a fangirl one of her bishies is dead! _Edo-chanluv shouted. _It's suicide! I mean, you've seen how _Colleen_ acts when someone brings up Nina-_

"_LALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING_!" Colleen covered her ears.

"Okay, okay! Everyone settle down!" Sam waved her hands around. "Ed, Al, just answer her questions. We can just say that no, Dorchet isn't here."

Ed shrugged. "Alright. Whatever." He picked up the letter and scanned through it. "Uh... Well, I didn't _die_ in the manga. So I guess I'd have to say that I prefer the manga."

"But Brother," Al said, "You still got stabbed through the stomach."

"Yeah, but I didn't _die_ and get sent to another _world_."

Sam leaned on one arm. "Yeah, but the English voice actor who plays you is freakin' _F-I-N-E."_

Ed and Al gave her a disapproving look.

"What...? He is..."

"It's true. That Vic is one fine piece of mancake," Carrie said.

"Oh yeah," Colleen nodded.

"_Anyway_," Ed said, changing the subject, "If I've said this once, I've said this a hundred times!" He looked directly in to the camera, and leaned in. "_Milk is disgusting! STOP ASKING ME!_"

"okay.... Before Ed discovers he's not on a bishie list, let's move on to the next letter." Sam picked up another envelope and opened it swiftly.

"Wait. I'm not on her bishie list thing?! _Why the hell not?_"

"And that she called him short-"

"_WHAT?"_

Sam cleared her throat. "Dear Crazyies,

I have a few questions for a few of you. Edward-chibi; Are you a rapist? -points to chapter 11- Hm, would rapist go through? I wonder. Well, just in case, the question is are you a rap ist?

lalallala.

Sam-Kun; I have two questions for you. First off, whats you favorite color? Next, Do you think Ed would look better with cat ears and a maid's outfit, or

fox ears and kinky leather stuff? :3

Edo-chanluv-sama: Do you know your awesome? :D

Al-pyon: How far have you and Colleen gone?

Hm, I think thats it. Yup.

-Seengot, who will eat your dog."

"Whoa! Rapist! WHAT?" Ed exclaimed. Sam laughed.

"She's talking about that scene where you tackled me on the couch half-naked."

Al, who had been taking a drink of water, spit it out in choked surprise. "Brother, you _what?!_"

"I didn't do anything!" Ed put his hands up, "I'm not a rapist!"

"Actually," said Colleen, fixing a monocle into position, "Edward is what we like to call 'An Accidental Rapist'."

"You're gonna have to clear us all up on that one," Carrie said.

"Well, think of the episode in the anime where he groped Psiren."

Ed blushed three different shades of red. Al looked like he was having a heart attack, looking from Ed to Sam to Colleen and back to Ed. With each word Colleen said, he sank lower in his seat.

"You see," She said, "He somehow manages to get himself in awkward positions. Thus _accidentally_ doing sexual acts and getting referred to as a rapist. Or a pervert. Although in Sam's case he probably _wanted_-" Her sentence was cut short as Ed shoved a cookie in her mouth.

Sam blushed and cleared her throat. "O-kay then... Uh... Well, Seengot, I really love the color blue. It's so pretty!" Her eyes sparkled. "Oh, and uh," She leaned over and whispered into the camera, "Maid outfit. All the way. But only if he gets to wear the collar with a bell on it- ow!"

"Who's the pervert here?!" Ed asked vehemently.

"Ow... that hurt..." Sam rubbed the place on her head where he'd just smacked her.

"Next question!" Ed said. He leaned back in his chair and looked at Al and Colleen. "Actually, I'm kind of curious too. How far _have_ you gotten?"

Al blinked, Colleen blushed to her toes.

"Uh, well..." Al thought for a moment. "Pretty far, I guess."

Colleen blushed more. "Al... don't tell them.... that....!"

Sam, Carrie, and Ed stared at them.

"_SERIOUSLY_?" They all shouted at once.

"Well... Yeah. I mean, I walked her to the train station. That's pretty far, I think. I mean, it's not the farthest I've ever walked before, but-"

Ed's eye twitched and he covered his face with his hand. "That's not what was meant, little brother."

"Eh? Then what did you mean?"

Colleen laughed nervously and jumped at the camera. "That's all for today! Thanks for watching!"

Then the screen went black.


End file.
